Keeping it together

How do you keep your professional face on and stay on top of things - when your personal life is falling apart?

This article finds me in a difficult place.  Through my professional career, as a school leader, I have faced personal upheaval like many other people: divorce, miscarriage, still births, the death of a parent, serious accidents, debt and separations.   These things blindside you, as is the reality of life. It’s messy. Our personal lives can often be messy and out of our control. 

Balancing professional composure with personal chaos is a formidable challenge. When life unravels, we often still must show up, staying functional, productive, and engaged. In this situation I have previously found that I went to work, put on a brave face, compartmentalised my problem and allow my high-functioning anxiety to take effect. People didn’t notice, until the casual “Did you have a good weekend?” chat at the tea urn, when the I choose to answer, “No. It wasn’t good.”  I appreciate that the conventional answer is “Fine thanks. You?”   Most people are oblivious to the personal turmoil that each person carries around with them. People put on a brave face.  I was once told that it must be difficult to be stoic in such situations. Yet, true Stoicism involves cultivating courage and resilience by focusing on internal virtue and control, rather than merely displaying a brave exterior. While some might use "stoicism" in a non-philosophical sense to mean putting on a brave face, the ancient philosophy of Zeno et al. is a discipline of inner strength and moral behaviour.   

I used to think that, in an ideal world, personal life and professional responsibilities would remain separate, neatly compartmentalised, to convey steadiness, reassurance, and direction. Yet this places such a strain on an individual.  This balancing act - holding together your professional face while your private world feels like it’s crumbling - is one of the most difficult challenges anyone can face. It calls on the best of our acting skills. Yet it can contribute to a psychological breakdown. 

There are many high-profile individuals who have continued to work publicly and professionally whilst dealing with personal upheaval.  Gary Barlow continued performing and appearing at events, including the 2012 Olympics closing ceremony, despite his daughter Poppy being stillborn just days earlier. This resonated so much at that time in my life. While Princess Catherine underwent treatment for cancer, Prince William continued to appear at public engagements under intense media speculation.  Countless individuals have had their relationship breakups ruminated, hypothesised and judged on whilst dealing with the grief of it coming to end and still continue to go about their work in the professional manner expected.  It is also very hard when the trauma remain private and unknown under the assumption from others that a person has their ducks all in a row, when unbeknownst to them, the ducks are all over the place, missing, broken or flown away. You just wouldn’t know by looking at them.  This is often, in part, because work becomes the distraction or the only thing they are able to control. 

 The Psychology Behind “Keeping It Together” 

Emotional Labour and Its Costs 

Arlie Hochschild’s seminal work on emotional labour describes the process of managing one’s feelings to display socially appropriate emotions. In the workplace, this often means putting on a professional demeanour, regardless of what you’re experiencing internally. 

• Surface acting involves faking or suppressing emotions. While it may work in the short term, studies consistently show it increases stress, depletes energy, and leads to burnout. 

• Deep acting involves reframing one’s perspective to genuinely align with the emotional expectations of the role. This method is linked to healthier outcomes, higher job satisfaction, and less emotional exhaustion. 

  
  

When personal crises demand heavy surface acting, emotional dissonance sets in; the painful gap between felt emotions and displayed ones. Left unchecked, this dissonance erodes your mental health, heightens paranoia and anxiety. The worst combination for an over-thinker particularly. 

Coping Under Duress 

Research also shows that resilience is not about being unaffected by hardship, but about adapting effectively. Coping strategies such as mindfulness, social support, and meaning-making are essential buffers against emotional exhaustion. Leaders who develop emotional intelligence (self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and relationship management) are better able to navigate crises without losing effectiveness. 

Resilience isn’t about having an unshakeable inner state but about adapting under pressure. Buoyancy describes the ability to rise up above those things that pull you down.  Psychological research highlights the power of meaning-making, mindfulness, and social support in buffering the effects of trauma and stress. Leaders who develop emotional intelligence (particularly self-awareness and self-regulation) are better positioned to hold their professional role without sacrificing well-being. 

Synopsis of Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant 

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy blends Sandberg’s personal journey with research-backed insights from psychologist Adam Grant. The book begins with the sudden death of Sandberg’s husband, Dave Goldberg, described as a moment of soul-crushing grief. From that void, she rebuilt a path forward, with Grant’s guidance helping her frame steps toward healing. 

Sandberg identifies common grief traps: 

• Personalization: Blaming ourselves for the tragedy. 

• Pervasiveness: Letting grief invade every aspect of life. 

• Permanence: Believing the pain will never fade. 

  
  

 She shares strategies for countering each, helping readers avoid these psychological pitfalls. Sandberg describes the “mum effect”, i.e. how people avoid mentioning someone’s loss, inadvertently isolating them. She recommends simple but powerful gestures like asking “How are you today?” instead of “How are you?” to recognize the fragility of grief and provide emotional space for authenticity.  Sandberg also frames resilience not as innate but as a skill you build. She advocates journaling, i.e. writing three small “wins” or moments of joy daily, as a way to rebuild perspective and emotional momentum. The book highlights stories, from survivors of extreme trauma to ordinary people recovering from loss, to illustrate that healing often happens in community. Post-traumatic growth, she argues, is possible when we find meaning in suffering and connect with others who empathise. 

Practical Coping Techniques to Stay Professional When Life Falls Apart 

Each scenario hits in different ways and, in terms of grief, hits you in a different way and any given time through the day. This leaves your capacity to cope up in the air. There are many publications that provide a range of practical strategies to consider, of which these are a selection. In each case, they can be chosen on the basis of why it helps and how to do it. 

1. Cultivate "Emotional Honesty with Boundaries" 

• Why it helps: Suppressing emotions drains you; oversharing may disrupt your professional environment. 

• How to do it: Confide selectively, e.g., “I’m navigating a personal issue and appreciate your understanding with deadlines.” For others, frame your presence respectfully ("I'm dealing with something personal but fully committed to our work together"). 

  
  

2. Reframe for Deep Acting 

• Why it matters: Deep acting is more sustainable than surface acting. 

• How to do it: Instead of thinking, “I must fake confidence,” reframe to “By showing up, I’m creating stability through chaos.” This internal shift reduces dissonance and boosts authenticity. 

  
  

3. Schedule Micro-Breaks 

• Why: Brief breaks help reset your emotional state. 

• How: Take 2–3 minute mindfulness breathers before key meeting. Focus on slow breathing or a quick walk. This links to lower cortisol and improved focus. 

  
  

4. Set Energy Boundaries 

• Why: Personal crises drain emotional energy fast. 

• How: Identify “non-negotiables” (e.g. no weekend working, skipping meetings when needed), and communicate them firmly yet compassionately. 

  
  

5. Prioritize Physical Health 

• Why: Stress amplifies when sleep, nutrition, or exercise fall by the wayside. 

• How: Maintain sleep hygiene, limit caffeine, and engage in light exercise—even a short walk boosts mood and clarity. 

  
  

6. Lean on Support Networks 

• Why: Isolation deepens suffering; support breeds resilience. 

• How: Talk to a trusted friend, join a group, or see a therapist. Leaders like Sandberg have shown the power of community and vulnerability in healing. 

  
  

7. Establish Transition Rituals 

• Why: Rituals mark internal shifts. 

• How: Use a grounding routine before work, e.g. a specific playlist or a brief meditation, to signal your mindset shift into professional mode. 

  
  

8. Reorient Toward Meaning 

• Why: Viktor Frankl’s meaning-making paradigm shows suffering carries potential for growth. 

• How: Reflect daily: “What value can I lean on right now? How can this experience deepen my empathy or leadership?” 

  
  

9. Use Professional Resources 

• Why: Support systems like EAPs exist for tough reasons. 

• How: Don’t wait (and I am the work in delaying – which has led me to my most recent problem and the inspiration for this article). Reach out for counseling, bereavement leave, or formal support early. Get help to address those things that you can control and take positive steps.  

  
  

10. Practice Self-Compassion 

• Why: Striving for perfection under stress is counterproductive. 

• How: Use self-compassionate language: “I’m doing my best amid tough circumstances.” Self-kindness sustains resilience more than harsh self-criticism. 

  
  

Leading While Hurting: Implications for Organizations 

Beyond individual coping, organizations have a role to play. Leaders who model compassion can set the tone for healthier workplace cultures. Policies that allow flexibility, normalize mental health support, and recognise the human behind the professional mask foster not just individual survival but organizational resilience.  This involves: 

• Normalising conversations between colleagues 

• Normalising vulnerability as human beings 

• Building a trauma-awareness within the culture of the organisation 

• Encouraging and advertising preventative wellness 

• Allow flexibility ion working practices 

  
  

So where does that leave us, if not on a heap on the floor?

The act of keeping your professional face on when personal life is crumbling is not an act of denial.  It requires mindfulness, support, and authenticity.  Resilience and buoyancy are not traits you possess but are processes you cultivate.  Showing up professionally while wounded is a testament to human strength and with the right tools and support, that strength can layer sorrow with purpose, transforming pain into a deeper, more compassionate presence.  Keeping your professional face on when your personal life is falling apart is one of the greatest tests of resilience. It is not about denial or perfection. It’s about navigating the emotional experience wisely, applying coping techniques strategically, and leaning into support networks. 

Psychological research underscores that authenticity (deep acting, reframing, and meaning-making) is more sustainable than suppression. There are individuals in the public eye that we can look to as a reminder that trauma can coexist with professional excellence; and sometimes even deepen it.  The ultimate key is balance: acknowledging pain without letting it consume professional identity, creating recovery rituals, and finding meaning within hardship. For some, crises will become turning points that redefine not only personal lives but also professional missions. 

The truth is: when your world feels broken, showing up at work can seem impossible. Yet, it is possible not only to survive but also to grow stronger, and perhaps to lead with deeper humanity than ever before.